Bloodsense the X-Man
by Daniel Thomas Andrew Daly
Copyright 6178 SC
Bloodsense was a new X-Men. Bloodsense had the ability to sense the blood type of a human or animal, and also, ironically, curdle that blood and kill a creature. Bloodsense, though, did not believe Homo-Superior were mutants. He believed they were a natural part of the sequence of the genetic codes of humanity.
'My dear Wolverine. In the DNA of Adam, the first man, our blueprints were already there, shaped by the mind of the Creator – Yahweh God. We did NOT evolve. We do NOT evolve. We were planned, long ago, and have arisen at exactly the right time in history for the wisdom of God to unfold, for we are beacons of powers to help and assist humanity – not evolved ones, but deliberately planned ones by the Creator in the DNA sequences and genetic mysteries which are the MARVEL of the human species.'
'Sure thing bub,' responded Wolverine. 'I think Nightcrawler is a Roman Catholic.'
'Then very wise is he,' responded the X-Men Creationist, Bloodsense the Redeemer.
Bloodsense was chatting with Beast down in the X-Mansion catacombs, were beast was doing research.
'I've got a story for you,' said Bloodsense.
'I am listening,' responded Beast politely.
'Wolverine walks into a bar, and sees this guy in tights. 'So what gives bub?' he asks him.
'I'm Superman. Crusader of truth, justice and the American way,' responds the hero.
'Superman?' asked Beast. 'I have never heard of Superman.'
'He's from this small time indie comic company I read once. Dead and Crippled Comics, or something like that. Old farts who don't move with the times. Anyway, Superman sizes him up and says 'By the power of the house of El, you really do smell you know.'
'You insulting my hygiene?' asks Wolvie.
'If you had any, you meta gene freak.'
'Meta gene?' asked Wolverine.
'How the DC universe functions,' responded Superman.
'Fascinating,' said Wolverine.
Anyway, they set to a drinking contest and Superman boasts 'By the power of the Krypton Chronicles, thou canst drink a lot my man.'
'It's all in the meta gene,' responded Wolverine.
'Fascinating,' responds Superman.
'A great tale,' commented Beast.
'Meta gene theology. I think that is what really runs the universe,' said Bloodsense.
'You'll have to enlighten me some time,' responded Beast.
'Gotcha,' responded the newest X-Man.
'The Creationist Association of Homo-Superior teaches these truths,' began Bloodsense to a gathering of the X-Men in Professor X's chambers.
'In the beginning the first man and woman were made, Adam and Eve. And then the Millennium Principle was later established in the doctrines of the Branch of Enoch. Every thousand years, the Meta Gene would surface, in greater and greater strenghs, amongst the children of men. In olden days they were the wizards and witches and spellcasters. Now they are the X-Men. We have had 5 millennia of advents of the Meta Gene in the DNA code of mankind. Yet the 6th millennia draws nigh, were the Israelite Messiah shall be born, of the seed of David. And we know, from research into Magnetos Jewish bloodline, that Magneto shall be of the parental line of the Messiah. The Messiah shall be the ultimate X-Man, with gifted powers unlike any ever seen before in humanity. And he shall reign a thousand years, and unite mankind, till the 7th millennium occurs. And then the dead shall rise, and the world to come shall begin.'
'Your making it all up,' said Storm.
'We have researched carefully,' responded Bloodsense.
'It sounds plausible,' said Nightcrawler.
'If you believe in fables,' retorted Storm.
'Perhaps I do,' responded Nightcrawler.
'It is – interesting,' said Professor X. Yet, regardless dear Bloosense, welcome to your new home. You are a valued member of our new team.'
'Thanks,' said Bloodsense the Redeemer.
The Triumvirate of Terror had shown up. Bloodwhore, Wrathbitch and Fuckgirl. They were the nastiest supervillains, and enemies of the Creationist Association of Homo-Superior.
'Bloodsense lives here now. At the X Mansion,' said Bloodwhore.
'We shall decapitate him,' said Wrathbitch sadistically.
'Decapitation. Always with the decapitation with you Wrathbitch,' replied Bloodwhore. 'You need a new line.'
'Try, I shall roast his cockles on the fires of oblivion,' suggested Fuckgirl.
'I shall roast his cockles on the fires of oblivion,' repeated slowly the not so bright Wrathbitch.
'Better,' replied Bloodwhore.
They scoped the mansion, and soon Bloodsense and Beast appeared.
'The X-Men. Bloosense has joined the X-Men,' mocked Bloodwhore.
'He lacks imagination. They are evolutionists,' responded Fuckgirl.
'Hey, aren't we evolutionists?' asked Wrathbitch.
'That's just a cover,' whispered Fuckgirl to Wrathbitch.
'Ready to rumble?' asked Bloodwhore.
Bloodsense finished off the Mars bar he was eating.
'I'm tired,' he replied. 'Maybe tomorrow fowl sirens.'
'Oh, ok,' said Wrathbitch, who made to turn and leave.
'For fuck's sake,' said Bloodwhore, and grabbed Wrathbitch. 'Attack the bastards, ladies.'
And they did.
Later on, when the brawling had finished, the Triumvirate of Terror were holding various aching parts of their bodies, gradually retreating from the X-Mansion grounds.
'I shall verily decapitate him next time,' said Wrathbitch in a hostile voice.
'For fuck's sake,' said Bloodwhore, and marched them on to their escape van, back to the lair of their Triumvirate of Terror.
The DC Bad Girls had crossed a Tangent Amalgam Vortex, and were hunting down some lost souls in the Marvel Universe.
But the Babes were on their tail. The 3 superheroine 'Babes' were 'Beauty', 'Blonde' and 'Bimbo', and they were chasing down the Bad Girls. The Bad girls were looking for the 'Triumvirate of Terror', former inhabitants of their universe which had gone astray. The Bad Girls were 'Brazen Harlot', 'Hotcunt', 'Carnal Slut', 'Miss Licentious', 'Pristine Vagina' & 'Spunkadella'. They were sexy, evil, and the worst sort of bitches to ever torment Batman, Blue Beetle and the hated Booster Gold. But now they were chasing down the Triumvirate of Terror, who had splintered away, and fucked off to Marvel World.
'Were hideth they?' asked Miss Licentious.
'Somewhere in this worlds New York. I sense it,' said Pristine Vagina.
'Those Babes will only be minutes behind us. The vortex was not yet closed. We should scram,' said Spunkadella.
'We will need transport,' said Carnal Slut.
Brazen Harlot the leader pointed. 'That Van. We shall steal that and look for them.'
Later on, Fuck Girl came out and noticed their Van had gone missing from its parking place.
'Now what bitch stole our fucking van?' she queried to herself.
Bloodsense was hanging with Scrawl, a fellow member of the Creationist Association of Homo Superior.
'Who are the worst of our enemies?' asked Scrawl, sipping on a budweiser.
'Buttpain and Vomitator are pretty disgusting,' said Bloodsense. 'Fowl creatures indeed.'
'Rude & Crude the Bugger Brothers are horrible,' replied Scrawl.
'I hate 'Nasty Bastard' said Bloodsense. 'He really gets me in the cockles.'
'I've always loathed Captain Cancer. He sends shivers up my spine,' said Scrawl.
'The Crapulator has always been a nemesis,' said Bloodsense.
'Yeh. I don't like him much either,' replied Scrawl. 'But you know who really pisses me off? The Emasculator. He worries me greatly.'
Bloodsense put his hand instinctively to his crotch. 'Me too, buddy. Me too.'
The 'Babes' arrived through the Tangent Amalgam Vortex on the ground of the hideout of the Triumvirate of Terror.
'Ok. Where are they?' asked Bimbo.
'Between your breasts,' sniggered Beauty.
Bimbo looked between her breasts. 'I don't see them,' she said innocently.
Blonde looked at Beauty with one of those looks Beauty knew oh so well. 'You know you shouldn't tease her. It's not easy getting by with an IQ of 42.'
'Ooh, I had it measured again last week,' said Bimbo. 'The doc says I'm practically a 43 now. Just need a little more study,' she said seriously.
'Make sure you get Fashion Weekly next week,' said Beauty. 'That's sure to have penetrating articles of knowledge in it.'
'Ooh,' said Bimbo.
'Beauty!' lectured Blonde again, the leader of the Babes. 'Right. Here we are.' She looked around and noticed they were down a back alley of sorts, with a rather dinghy looking door with peeling green paint sitting there in front of them.
'Why don't we ask for directions?' suggested Blonde.
'Lead on fearless leader,' said Beauty.
'They went that way,' said Bimbo suddenly, pointing in another direction.
'How do you know?' asked Blonde.
'I can – sense it,' said Bimbo, smiling.
'Do we trust her?' asked Beauty. 'She is an idiot you know.'
'May as well,' said Blonde. 'Probably only drunk crackpots in there anyway,' she said, referring to the green door and the dwelling within.
And so they departed, chasing the Bad Girls on Bimbo's hunch, and were none the wiser to the Triumvirate of Terror, behind the green door, steadily getting drunk all the rest of that afternoon.
'You know,' said Fuck Girl. 'These are great nachos.'
'Wonderful,' replied Wrathbitch, down the alley from their green door, at the Mexican cafe on the corner which sold Fuck Girl's favourite junk food.
'Ooh, he's hot. I'd do him,' said Fuck Girl, as a blonde bodybuilder walked by, and she winked at him. He was embarrassed. Fuck Girl was giving him the nod, and he was more of a born again, so continued on walking.
'They never wanna fuck anymore,' said Fuck Girl. 'This city has become too conservative.'
'You and your loins,' said Wrathbitch. 'Perpetually unsatisfied.'
'Fuck you,' replied Fuck Girl, and continued on devouring her Nachos.
'No I think they went this way,' said Bimbo, suddenly walking past Fuck Girl and Wrathbitch at the Mexican cafe, not noticing the two members of the Triumvirate of Terror in regular garb. Blonde and Beauty, frustrated, followed faithfully behind.
'She's an idiot,' said Beauty.
'No, I think she senses something. She has a keen nose,' replied Blonde.
'Yep. Just like a wolfhound. Intelligence to match as well I'd bet,' replied Beauty.
'Just don't lose track of her,' replied Blonde.
As the 'Babes' walked on past, winging, Fuck Girl looked at Wrathbitch, shoked.
'There idiots,' said Wrathbitch. 'They'll search every square inch of Manhattan and still walk past us every time.'
Fuck Girl considered that, shrugged after a moment, and continued on with her Nachos.
And the afternoon turned.
'There's trouble,' said Scrawl.
'Where?' asked Bloodsense.
'Manhattan,' said Scrawl.
'Let's go,' said Bloodsense.
It was a sight to see. The Triumvirate of Terror, who you would have imagined the guilty part, were, in fact, seated down, on the grass of the small Manhattan park, watching.
The Babes were arguing. They had found the Triumvirate of Terror, but then the DC bad girls had shown up. And then the sledging had begun.
'Your an idiot,' said Blonde. 'Batman remarked you have this distinctive smell. Like the sewers of Arkham.'
Brazen Harlot wanted to punch her in the face. 'At least I'm not dressed like a Princess. I KNOW how to be alluring to a man. Not a great big Barbie Doll.'
'She may be a Barbie Doll,' said Beauty. 'But she hasn't slept with half the criminals of Gotham City.
'I've slept with half the criminals of Gotham city,' said Hot Cunt.
'You've slept with every criminal,' said Brazen Harlot.
'Takes one to know one, bitch,' replied Hot Cunt.
'You are that stupid aren't you,' said Carnal Slut to Bimbo. 'You probably can't even tie your shoe laces properly.'
'I need help with that,' replied the innocent Bimbo.
'Leave her alone, bitch,' said Blonde. 'She is currently free of VD. Unlike some I could care to mention.'
Carnal Slut hissed at Blonde in response.
'I'll bet you girls subscribe to Vogue, right?' queried Miss Licentioius.
'Ooh, I have every issue dating back to 2000,' said Bimbo.
Blonde put her hand to her head and said 'Why me?'
Pristine Vagina looked at Beauty. 'I suppose men think you are hot, huh? But I am perfect in every way.'
'Yes,' replied beauty. 'But Metropolis Zoo has enough Baboons, so I guess your currently unemployed, right?'
And then the fighting began.
As the Triumvirate of Terror watched on, commenting on this and that insult which could come in useful, Bloodsense and Scrawl sat down next to them.
'Women,' said Bloodsense. 'Not a good thing to cross them.' Just then Beauty kicked Hot Cunt in the crotch. 'Ooh,' said Scrawl. 'That looked nasty.'
'Your not getting involved?' Bloodsense asked the Triumvirate of Terror.
'We're taking notes,' replied Wrathbitch.
Blonde had grabbed Pristine Vagina's hair, and was scratching at her eyelids.
'We might have to call in Wolverine,' said Scrawl.
'Not sure if Adamantium Claws will be tough enough,' replied Bloodsense.
Carnal Slut had Bimbo down, and was twisting her arm behind her back.
'It's not easy being a superhero,' said Bloodsense, as he stood, ready to break it all apart.
'The things we do for love,' said Scrawl, as the X-Men got into the unpleasant task of breaking up a catfight which the good folk of Manhattan gossiped about for years.
And, as the fight went on, well into the afternoon, and Bloodsense later on was receiving bandages from Storm for all his cuts and scrapes, another day passed in the Marvel Universe and the DC bad girls, having returned home with the Babes, life, for a while, got back to some semblance of normality. For a while anyway.